This is for the people with a need to self destruct. For those that operate a little differently on the inside, crafted with the extra internal wiring that creates the urge to escape, change, or morph from the body you were given. To those that feel alien within themselves, that binge, starve, or purge away the excess and un-needed in meak attempts to fulfill something more. That cut, hurt, and alter the physical while trying to get to the existiential matter underneath.

This feeling of difference and inadequacy isn’t limited to those like myself, with a hunger for more than just food.. for a hunger only sated by lifeforce from blood. This fluke in evolution, this energy imbalance that is embedded into many genres of people is more a phenomenon than choice.

This is to those that can’t help but feel outcast and different. Disconnected from a universe that is considered oh-so connected, even down to the physical body your being is assigned to. For anyone that feels better when they’re hungry, more content when they’re bleeding, and more alive when they’re punishing or destroying or killing the body that ties them to the feeling of utter seperation from something else.

For those that can’t explain who, what, or why they are in a universe of structure, connection, and answers.

Well, I woke up this morning (finally, with the help of a large coffee) to a writing urge. Now, I’m sure this silly little blog of mine will end up spreading past it’s genre of vampirism into more useful and relatable topics, like the presidential politics and the latest episode of Gossip Girl; but for now lets stick to the gameplan. (Ps, I’m kidding about the Gossip Girl talk – Watching the more dramatic tenth re-creation of The OC isn’t really up there on my priority list.)

Since the ‘Twilight’ explosion, thousands of wannabes’ and wishcouldbes’ have burst onto the scene, with a newfound enthusiasm for vampirism. I’ve sat back and watched the interest progress from mild to overwhelming, and the number of self-proclaimed vamps and ‘hunters’ have emerged, leaking even into my own small havens in the online vampire community. (Note: shutup, I’d rather remain anonymous via internet than to announce my natures to friends and family. That wouldn’t go over so well, having my grandmother think me a freak.)

Anyways. How do you know if you really, truly are being ‘drained’? How do you know if you’re a target of a psyvamp, or that you’ve bumped into one at some point, or that your spidey-sense was an indication of someone a little more bloodthirsty than yourself? Don’t count on the supposed fangs to be your guide.

Let’s be quite honest here – we don’t like to be found. The only time we’ll really ‘come clean’ in public is if a) we think you’re a vampire too, and we pick up on it, and feel a sense of relation. Or b) You’re seemingly trustworthy and open-minded enough that we think you’ll understand. You’ll want to look for a number of things.

Lets start with the stereotypes!

Glasses: The kind that block out the sun, and freak you out because you can’t see who they’re looking at. A few reasons for this being that it’s uncomfortable to be stared at because you really do think that people can ’see’ into you, into what you’re hiding. And because you’re lacking in nutrients and lifeforce, the hustle and bustle of daytime life as well as the fluorescent electrical world we surround ourselves with really do a number on the frequent headaches. And maybe we don’t want you to know who we’re looking at.

Solitary..ness..:  Running on a somewhat different wavelength than most, we instinctually seek out high energy, low key environments. We most often are alone, at the sidelines, watching the rest of the world go by. Never really fitting in, but not wanting to be left out. Drawn to energy high places. Good solid friendships are few and far between, we don’t form many attatchments beyond acquaintances and lovers. Call it lonerism.

Awkward vibe: Cmon, you may be oblivious but you’re not bloody numb. You know that extra sense that sparks when SOMETHING isn’t right, or something is out of place? The instinct that says ‘look closer’, or ‘danger’, or ‘he’s different than I am..’ Well, listen to it. As I said, we operate on a different wavelength, we feed on energy, our brains run a little different. We’re all human and can pick up, on a very basic level, these distinctions.

Watch out for the succubus and incubus in the crowd. Those of us that feed on sexual energy are VERY good at manipulating our bodies and vibes to hook you. We’re our own bait, and you can’t help but bite. (Pardon the irony.)

(I finally met another like myself for the first time in my life, that wasn’t online. He portrays perfectly the stereotype image: LONG black straight hair, wears sunglasses indoors due to photophobia, all black and leather clothing, drives a hearst and a motorcycle, solitary, and is a shaman. Feeds on energy. Funny how we fight to say we aren’t all gothic and stereotypical, and then I meet someone that is exactly that. Ah well.)

Those being drained tend to switch from happy and upbeat, to fatigued and ‘down’ unexplainably in a pretty short period of time. But no worries, you won’t die =

I’ve run out of things to say, lamesauce. Just for the record, we don’t ALL dress in black gothic apparel with long straight raven hair and pale white skin. I just happen to be a slightly more dark and morbid representative of the vampiric culture, both by fluke and nature. We’ve got our dark sides, more prominently than the rest. =  But use your instincts, really. There won’t be an Edward Cullen or a Lestat out there, but there will be people who live the realities beyond the romanticized myths and fictions of vampirism.

Someone ask me something, so I have an idea of what to say next time that’s not so dull.

Or not, because we all just want to feel as though we’re being heard, so we blog, when really.. no one gives a shit about anything but their own. Huzzah for human nature. One of the few things you and I have in common.

Happy draining,

Des.

Vampires aren’t really ‘bloodthirsty’. Not usually. Psyvamps especially. But that’s just ‘usually’.

But having a bit of a sanguinarian side poses it’s awkward moments. For example, being in a busy workplace with a high volume of bodies roaming about doing their shopping, the energy is painfully high and you’ve gone without your morning coffees. Your coworker and you are rushing around putting out stock, tearing through cardboard boxes with your handy dandy boxcutter blade, and then you hear the slip of a handle followed by the sharp intake of a gasp, and the inevitable OUCH in the next aisle. It only takes a millisecond to have the thought of the “boxcutter + flesh scenario” to whip through your mind. Then she walks around the corner and.. you aren’t looking at the expression of frustration on her face. You’re looking at the almost decorative bright red trickles of blood trailing down her finger and ribboning the palm of her hand. Can’t help but stare. Suddenly you realize just how tired you are, how fatiged and energy-deprived you feel. Sigh. Work sucks, you’ve been running your ass around all day. You could use a lift. The prickles on the back of your shoulders and neck let you know immediately the high vibrancy of the blood. You can almost feel it, and it’s so vivid. Inhale deeply, try to pick up on the vibes of her, and her wounded hand. Need whirls around you and you bite your tongue. Continue gawking.

Then you remember you’re at work, with a hurt coworker, and shake yourself out of your stupor. Help her find a bandaid, and get back to work. Crap. Think it’s time for that coffee..

Mhm, there are awkward moments. I understand a little of why we like our overnight jobs. Less temptation

That song has taken the world by storm, much like the Twilight series. (You KNOW what I’m talking about, don’t give me that look of denial.. ps, the movie’s coming out soon HUZZAH) But as is, I can’t stop singing that damn catchy tune, what with the cherry chapstick and such. (Although, who wears cherry anymore, now that they’re coming out with all the new and improved dr.pepper chapstick and reeses PB cups lipgloss.)

I wish I kissed girls that had cherry chapstick. Much better than that crappy cheap lipgloss that may as well be colored glue because it traps every sidebang and stray hair in its shiny wrath. Then you smack your lips  and they fuse themselves together, and are uncomfortably clammy for the next 2.5 hours.

I kissed a girl is probably the most overplayed tune in the gaybar lately. But gee, go figure. I can’t lie, I love it just as much as all of you do, it’s got an upbeat Tatu-esque feel to it. (Remember Tatu? I don’t remember their music, either. Just the pictures.)

I guess after that ramble it’s safe to admit fully that I’m about 50/50 on the straight/gay fence. But who cares, girls have more estrogen aka emotion in their lifeforce, and I’m naturally drawn to the feminine blood. Mm, girls. But boys have that raw strength to their auras, the forceful vibes. Mm, boys.

Fuck, I’m addicted to weed, and blood-er-I-mean-People. Ah well, better than crackbook. Ps, new crackbook sucks balls.

And I liked it,

And I liked iiiit…

Hm, lame and cliche, I know- but there really are a lot of frequently asked questions on modern vampirism. Let me see if I can touch on the basics.

Q)Are we immortal, undead, or do we have prolonged lives?

A)..In all honesty, no. I sure as hell won’t live forever, I’m not infected with some strange bloodthirsting virus that alters my DNA, I never died and am not undead, and I’m pretty confident I’ll live to be somewhere in between 50-80 years old.

Q) Do we bite people’s necks and drain their blood?

A) No. Biting is fun under good circumstances, but it’s hard to bite hard enough to open a wound and suck from. And besides, the thought isn’t really that appealing. It’s not about killing, eating flesh, etc. It’s about energy. You can obtain the energy directly from drinking the blood, yes, but certainly not gallons of it, ick. It takes a half a glass or less, from willing donors. Chi is derived from the bloodstream, so it’s not always convenient to psy-suck the lifeforce out of people via empathy, sex, or whatever else. I can’t even keep down a big huge glass of milk, let alone a BODY full of litres of blood!

Q) Are we all gothic/dark/morbid?

A)No. I mean, I tend to embrace the darker things in life and I love keeping it classy in black minis and such, I’m anti-barbie, but in no means Evil and Morbid. Some of us don’t even have that darker air to them. We can be teachers. Saleswomen. Firemen. Parents. Crazy aunts and ballin’ ballers. The ‘vampiric’ trait of being unable to create enough lifeforce energy doesn’t limit itself to the darker hearts.

Q) Whats with the nocturnal/anti-sunshine myth?

A) Being very weak of the body, I’m deficit in a lot of nutrients. Anemic, mainly; but some of us are basically pretty ‘unwell’ because we don’t know enough about our needs to fulfill them, or simply don’t accept them. So bright light does really bother my eyes, and the fact I don’t like water or most foods gives me a wicked daytime headache. Theres a logical explaination for the ‘being weary of sunshine’ trait – although it doesn’t even affect every vamp. I know someone who is a tannaholic, and is bronzed as a goddess, with no ill effects. I’ve always been a nightowl, got it from my ma. Carpe Noctem.

Q) Do we move really fast, or fly?

A) Can you? No, I’d think not. Well, me too. High five. Actually, I failed gym class back in grade 8, aka I used my joint dislocating condition to get me out of it for the rest of my years. I hate running. I pant when I run up a flight of stairs. I’m not overweight or unsightly, I’m just.. anti-physical activity. So boo-urns on flying or uberfast movement.

Q) How do we feed?

A) Psyvamps feed via physical or mental contact. I use my eyes. I know a few who sit with their donors and hold them lightly at the wrists with a thumb over the veins in each arm, and focus on the energy exchange. Boooring. I use my cunning to seduce and spark the curiousity of others with my alternative or provocative appearance, and the art of conversation and eye contact to ‘drain’. We’re all different. Sanguinarians however, extract blood via needles or other sanitized tools.

Q) Do we have extra sensitive senses?

A) Hm. Yes and no. Some regular non vamp humans do too, though. I can’t hear any better than the average girl, I can’t read minds (though I can read the wavelengths of a few, like my boyfriend.) and I can’t like.. smell your blood. I can just sense it, like when you get the prickles on the back of your neck, and adrenaline kickstarts your mind.  I’m just sort of more ‘aware’ of people, but because I try to be. I suppose were good with judging character and vibes from people, too. *shrug*

How exactly do I vampiricly drain the lifeforce from the very blood of others? Tis’ simple, really.

There’s many kinds of energy, and which is the best suited really depends on the vamp. I feed on two sort of.. vibes. Empathic, and Tantric. Being an empath I tend to form close bonds with few people, and create/manipulate/harness certain emotions from them. I feel what you feel. But sometimes, I make you feel what I want you to feel. That’s a thought, hm? I’ll pick fights, or drop arguements. Flip a switch on a dime to change the energy. My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy but he just doesn’t know a lot of his ups and downs are ACTUALLY my fault. But next, the Tantric. Does this need explaining? I’m a proud succubus, and I do not hesitate to use my mind and body to bend the will of the weaker minds to exactly what I need. Being a woman really comes in handy for this. I thrive off of sexual energy, it brings me from my lowest to my highest and, erm, fullest.. most effectively.

I didn’t do well explaining just HOW the energy is even transfered or ’sucked’ from one person to another. The truth is, I don’t really know exactly. I just understand what I’m doing at the time as manipulation and harnessing, and I do feel the tiny tweak of adrenaline as energy is pumped into my veins. It’s kinda complicated to explain.

To sum this up, I’ll add that I have a sanguinarian side. Since I tend to get what I need when I need it, I never usually have to resort to this. (As well as the fact I no longer have a willing donor..) Blood is never really taken with the teeth, though they’re a great tool to play with anyways. There are more sanitary ways these days.

I often wonder how many of us vamps grew up with disordered eating or self abuse issues. That later tied into the energy needs, perhaps?

I know I grew up with major food problems, despising either the food or the body that accepted it. Like I was eating and eating and never really satisfied, something was always amiss. I couldn’t sate the craving, dull the ache for a nutrient not yet discovered by my body. I was lacking, deficient. I was imperfect, imbalanced. Do we all encounter this at an earlier stage? Or what about the cutting, the self abuse, the anger. The desire to see blood, life. Need for pain, release, abuse. Hmm.

See, I’ll be asking as many questions as I’m answering.

I wonder if my past ties into my present. Hmph. And everyone else like me.

I’m Des. I’m nineteen, (yes really, nineteen people years, I’m not like.. undead, or anything) and I graduated a couple years ago but have been smoking too much pot to get over my procrastination and kick my ass back to school. When I go, I’ll be taking art. My life revolves around art, and energy. I’ve known about my so called vampirism for about a year, though I ‘knew’ about my ‘nature’ for a few years before that.. Only I didn’t know what to call it. Chronic is my relaxant, and drawing is my muse. My energy manipulations are therapeutic and other than the above mentioned, I don’t do a lot with my time. I have a longterm boyfriend who doesn’t know about my.. secret. I believe I’ll always remain anonymous, with the exception of what I write namelessly. Yes, Desiree is a fake name.